"Slayers" not subversive, not tense, and not a good use of plastic fangs

Slayers (2022)

The idea of vampires taking out influencer “shitheads” sounds so tempting, but “Slayers” sucks. Writer-director K. Asher Levin and co-writer Zack Imbrogno might have hoped for a “Zombieland” with bloodsuckers (to the point of even casting Abigail Breslin), but typically, horror comedies need to—get this—be scary or tense or gory but also be funny or at least smart. Achieving none of those things, “Slayers” can’t even be bothered to be as subversive as it thinks it is, and barely anything works that it’s a surprise this lemon didn’t get pulled mid-production. Even the vamps’ fangs look like a last-ditch buy from a Spirit Halloween.

As knowledgable vamp slayer Elliot Jones, Thomas Jane is decidedly having a blast in drunken, no-fucks-to-give, get-off-my-fucking-grass-you-Millennials mode. His cheeky, self-aware voice-over as our “badass narrator” also brings hope at least for a little bit. Once we’re introduced to a group of influencers called “The Stream Team,” the satirical aim is too easy and the characters can’t be bitten and killed fast enough. There’s dunce Jeff Chambers (Jack Donnelly); his lesbian, vape-smoking gamer sister Flynn (Kara Hayward); Jeff’s gold-digging soon-to-be wife Liz (Lydia Hearst); and vapid Jules Jay (Abigail Breslin). Before Jeff and Liz plan to get married, the group is seduced by a company to promote a new super vaccine. Unbeknownst to these dumbasses who arrive at the compound in a party bus, the biotech billionaire Steven Rektor (Adam Ambruso) and his “ice-queen wifey” Beverly (Malin Akerman, getting very little to do) lead a Vampyre Illuminati.

Early digs at Bernie Madoff and the Fyre Festival are vaguely amusing, but the only approach to any social commentary is laughing at these targets. Director Levin does bring some visual flash, literally, with a frenzy of video-game graphics that keep score of the vampires versus the humans. Otherwise, it’s indifferently shot, erratically edited, and the rest of the production is rather cheap-looking. The score is even an odd blend of a ‘70s porno, a Western, a jazz blues club, a French farce, and an EDM club, all for no reason. The actors portraying “The Stream Team” are committed to the joke of playing the worst kind of influencers, but they’d have to be in order for the paychecks to clear. A testament more to her abilities than the script, Kara Hayward (2012's "Moonrise Kingdom") can deliver the snark, however, there are zero emotional stakes in Flynn saving her brother. Like this movie’s idea of influencers, “Slayers” is just obnoxious and dumb.

Grade: D +

The Avenue is releasing “Slayers” (89 min.) in theaters, on demand and digital on October 21, 2022.