New, unimproved "Children of the Corn" can suck a corncob

Children of the Corn (2023)

Whoever asked for another “Children of the Corn” needs to pay. Based on a short story by Stephen King, the 1984 film adaptation starring Linda Hamilton seems to be remembered for being scarier than it actually was. And yet, there were eight sequels and one remake to get this source material right. None of them were particularly frightening or even good, although “Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest,” “Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering,” and “Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror” could certainly make up a campy-fun sizzle reel of outlandishly gory kills and now-name actors getting their start somewhere (i.e. Charlize Theron, Naomi Watts, and Eva Mendes). Now, it's 2023 and there's a second remake—“remake”—called “Children of the Corn" and still no sign of improvement. It’s saying something when even the worst of the previous ten (!) movies is more interesting than this cynical cash grab. 

In this version, the small Nebraska town of Rylstone (not Gatlin) is dying, and it’s not just the corn crops being poisoned by toxic chemicals. Young girl Eden (Kate Moyer) watches from a teeter-totter as her older brother emerges from the corn, enters a children’s home, and kills all of the adults. This alleged hostage situation ends with 15 orphans dead from the local sheriff and corn farmers using cow gas. Besides that tragedy, one of the town’s farmers (Callan Mulvey) is responsible for letting the crops die, and his daughter, Boleyn "Bo" (Elena Kampouris), won’t stand for it. About to leave for Boston to pursue her microbiology degree, the environmentally conscious teen decides to fight for justice. While Bo contacts an Omaha reporter, the town’s children have other plans. Obsessed with the Red Queen from “Alice in Wonderland,” Eden rallies together her angelic followers of He Who Walks (Behind the Rows), revolting against the adults and painting the corn red.

It’s far too late now, but perhaps Stephen King’s short story should have stayed a short story. That mere kernel of an idea—impressionable children forming a cult and turning on adults—is a disturbing one, but it seems writer-director Kurt Wimmer (2006’s “Ultraviolet”) hasn’t learned anything from what the previous filmmakers in this franchise got wrong. Besides more chintzy CG effects, terrible performances, and a well-intentioned eco-friendly message, this 2023 incarnation adds nothing to a series that has never risen above mediocre. Even for those wondering, there is exactly one effectively bloody kill involving eyeballs, but it’s hardly worth the hour-long wait. As things get incrementally better in the third act—did a different cinematographer take over?—the movie’s not-bad finale cancels itself out with an idiotic, scream-to-black cliffhanger that Brian De Palma would even call a cop-out. 

What this really comes down to is a bunch of evil kids, led by a bossy little brat, doing the bidding for a corn monster. Yep, a corn monster. Early on, Eden and her corn friends somehow drag a bunch of unconscious adults into a hole in the ground, but should anything else make sense when there's a corn monster? It’s also hard to fear these children when all of the adults are pretty much obnoxious, one-dimensional stereotypes who can’t get scythed fast enough. Elena Kampouris (2016’s “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2”) tries her damnedest with a passive heroine. As the children's leader Eden (our Isaac/Malachi/Eli replacement), one could imagine Kate Moyer making more of an impression with better writing and direction, but she is most likely having fun playing a rotten prophet. Whether or not this was supposed to be a genuine attempt to resurrect a dust-collecting property, “Children of the Corn” is just another “Children of the Corn,” and it’s a dull and worthless one at that. Just let this schlocky series burn already.

Grade: D

RLJE Films is releasing “Children of the Corn” (92 min.) in theaters on March 3, 2023 and on demand and digital on March 21, 2023.